On one July day back in the year 2000, I went to a block party at around 2 in the afternoon. I spent the day drinking High Balls and beer and smoking joint after joint after joint. Needless to say that by the time night rolled around I was pretty far gone. Later on in the night an old friend found me and told me she just turned 21 and that I had to come out to the bars and celebrate with her. Woo hoo! I shouted and said let's go! That's the last thing I remember from that night.

The next thing I remember is being woken up by the sound of someone tapping on glass. I open my eyes and quickly realize that I am lying in the back seat of a car that I do not recognize. I look up and see an old man tapping on the window.

OLD MAN
Do you mind getting out of my car? My wife wants to go to church.

ME
OK, sure.

So I get out of the car and start walking down the road wondering what town I was in. It kind of looked familiar but in that area all the towns look the same basically. So I walk about ten yards and realize that I am missing my hat and sunglasses. Then I realize that I am also missing my shirt and shorts and that I am standing in the middle of this alley in just my sneakers and boxer shorts.

ME
Fuck.

so I rush back to the car before the old man's wife comes out to go to church and search through the car but find no trace of any of my belongings.

ME
Fuck!

So I get back out of the car and begin to head down the alley. Now I have to try to figure out where I am. But first nature calls. I have to piss like a race horse and begin to scout for a good place to drain last night's pollutants from my body. Unfortunately both sides of the alley are lined with connecting garages. I walk a few more yards down the alley and I come to a place without a garage, just a parking place behind someone's yard. There is a fence that is waist high with some rose bushes peeking up from the other side. This is as good as it's going to get I suppose and I begin to urinate.

Well a few seconds into the urination a woman pokes her head up from the rose bushes.

ME
(Embarrassed) Oh, hello.

WOMAN
(Annoyed) Hello.

Now I have a choice to make. Do I stop pissing and move on or do I just keep on going? Well I figured she already knew what I was doing and I was pretty committed at this point so I kept on pissing.

ME
(Pissing) would you be able to tell me what town I'm in?

The woman seemed a little shocked and surprised I haven't bothered to stop pissing on her fence.

WOMAN
Kulpmont.

ME
(Still pissing) Would you happen to know what time it is?

WOMAN
Around 9.30.

So I shake my pecker dry and say thank you to the woman. I turn away and begin to walk away. The whole time thinking to myself that at least she couldn't see that I was just in my boxers. But as I walk away I turn my head around to make sure she can't see me and I am dismayed by the fact that she is now standing up and watching me walk away in all my glory.

Well at least now I know where I am. And that my car is just parked in the next town over, or should I say up. For the next town is up the mountain and the only way there is up a busy road. There would be no short cut through the woods for me. I just hope and pray I don't see anyone I know.

BEEP BEEP! LESTER!!!

ME
Crap.

Well I made it up the mountain and through the side streets of the town with only about 30 or so people seeing me.

I jump in my car, grab the keys from my secret hiding place and get the hell out of Dodge!

ME
I need to stop smoking weed.

The End.

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Comment by Nutcase James on September 11, 2012 at 1:29pm

Sounds like a good time was had.

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